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Joke Thread
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Gabbo's Run
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Location: Mount Gambier

PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:39 pm    Post subject: Joke Thread Reply with quote

Time for a joke thread guys, have to get some life back in this site.
No dirty ones that need censoring, just light humour etc. Also no racist jokes.

The pope and julia gillard were in the VIP box at the footy.
Pope leans over to the pm and says ' with one wave of my hand I can have everyone here up on there feet and cheering.
julia says ' i dont believe you, really???'
pope says 'yep, everyone'
julia says,' ok then , show me'
with that the pope smacks julia in the mouth......
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brian and cathy

1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.

"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
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Gabbo's Run
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Location: Mount Gambier

PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn't even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.

"Dude, it's obvious," said the lifeguard. "You're wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You'll have all the babes you can handle."

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it's not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.

"For cryin' out loud," said Brad, "it's worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What's wrong now?"

"Jeez, Brad!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"
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brian and cathy

1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.

"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
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Gabbo's Run
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Location: Mount Gambier

PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Got home the other night and my wife was watching master chef.

So I said, "Why are you watching that you cant cook"

She replied "Well you watch porn"
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brian and cathy

1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.

"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
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Gabbo's Run
Kombi Kommander
Kombi Kommander


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Location: Mount Gambier

PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A mother passing by her son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum' with the worst premonition; she opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.


'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you..
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings', tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods,
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes
to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Nicholas.

"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"

I love you!


Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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brian and cathy

1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.

"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
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Gabbo's Run
Kombi Kommander
Kombi Kommander


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Location: Mount Gambier

PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
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brian and cathy

1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.

"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
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Gabbo's Run
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Kombi Kommander


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Location: Mount Gambier

PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”
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brian and cathy

1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.

"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
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Gabbo's Run
Kombi Kommander
Kombi Kommander


Joined: 28 Apr 2007
Posts: 1212


Location: Mount Gambier

PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''

The blond yelled at the doctor, ''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''
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brian and cathy

1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.

"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
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View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Gabbo's Run
Kombi Kommander
Kombi Kommander


Joined: 28 Apr 2007
Posts: 1212


Location: Mount Gambier

PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in
life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =
98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5
= 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20
= 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+
14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,
that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the BS and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!
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brian and cathy

1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.

"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
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View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Gabbo's Run
Kombi Kommander
Kombi Kommander


Joined: 28 Apr 2007
Posts: 1212


Location: Mount Gambier

PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, 'Is that you, Lord?' The voice answered, 'NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.'
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brian and cathy

1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.

"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
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View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Gabbo's Run
Kombi Kommander
Kombi Kommander


Joined: 28 Apr 2007
Posts: 1212


Location: Mount Gambier

PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 2:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."

Saint Peter says, "Enter."

The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.

The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."

Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too."

As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
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brian and cathy

1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.

"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
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View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
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