A woman goes to the doctor with bruises all over her face. The doctor asks "What happened?"
She says "I don't know what to do. Everytime my husband comes home drunk he slaps me around."
The doctor says "I've got a cure for that. When he comes home drunk, take a glass of water and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swich and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to sleep."
Two weeks later the woman goes back to the doctor looking refreshed an unmarked. She says "Brilliant idea doctor! When he came home drunk I swished and swished and he didn't touch me. How does the water do that?"
The doctor says "The water does stuff all. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
__________________ _________________ brian and cathy
1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.
"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
The Lolly With The Little Hole 'LIFESAVERS'This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange .................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room
Had to put one in Brian....How's it going. Will drop a line in Kombi talk tonight, bought more toys for Col' _________________ Col' 79 Bay Camper Pop top.
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
Tony Abbot, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.
Finally Tony Abbot gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he isfinished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Abbot got to call Australia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, "Since Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call." _________________ brian and cathy
1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.
"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!' _________________ brian and cathy
1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.
"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." _________________ brian and cathy
1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.
"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
The Obedient Wife There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.' _________________ brian and cathy
1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.
"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
Two Priests Two priests are off to the showers late one night
They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it,not bothering to dress
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like a statue
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled ,he drops the soap. " oh look " says the first nun " it's a soap despenser "
To test her theroy the second nun also pulls on his manhood... sure enought he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs,then yells !
"Mary Mother of God - Hand Lotion Too ! "
)
_________________ brian and cathy
1974 Bay Window Cookie
2008 Golf Turbo Diesel.
"If you can't fix it with a hammer then it must be an electrical problem"
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
FAQ
Search
Memberlist
Usergroups
Join! (free) 
Profile
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
